How would you like to dispose of your ex to the farthest reaches of the cosmos?

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Ex-lovers are extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile beings. The only thing they are worthy of is rotting in the biggest prison out there. Or drinking from a cauldron of Neville Longbottom’s Shrinking Solution. Alternatively, in a proclamation of utter brilliance, you may send them back in time to battle out for survival with the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex. There are just no limits to the cruel exterminations they deserve.

And, no, Wanjiru, forgiveness was never an option.

Of particular interest, you’ll need them deprived of all necessities that make up who they are, from social to atomic. Thus, alas! I present you with [drumroll please] a wormhole! A wormhole is a kind of tunnel that connects two points in spacetime. It acts as a shortcut through spacetime, connecting two points that would otherwise be far apart, like REALLY far, billions of light-years apart even.

A wormhole, a tunnel that connects two points in spacetime that are far apart

Now, here’s a simple DIY how-to on how to construct a traversable cosmic wormhole that could send that sorry-excuse-of-a-biped to the farthest reaches of space to wallow in solitary anguish (and quite possibly, die).

  • Take two charged black holes
  • Place them back to back
  • Thread two cosmic strings through both of the black holes
  • Stretch both strings to infinity

Presto! You’ve got yourself a traversable wormhole. ⁠

The barebones: a charged black hole, which is a theoretical black hole that carries an electric charge and has an oppositely charged black hole on the other end of it, will act as your wormhole.

But there’s a catch before you decide to just push that degenerate stain into that wormhole: wormholes are by nature incredibly unstable. To make sure either charged end stays fully stretched out, a pair of cosmic strings — a hypothetical, one-dimensional defect in space-time — could hold them in place. Cosmic strings can also be thought as narrow tubes of energy stretched across the entire length of the ever-expanding universe. These thin regions, leftover from the early cosmos, are predicted to contain huge amounts of mass and therefore could warp the space-time around them. Cosmic strings are either infinite or they’re in loops, with no ends, physicists say. The approach of two such strings parallel to each other would bend space-time so vigorously and in such a particular configuration that might make space and/or time travel possible, at least in theory.

Unfortunately, cosmic strings are also not a great travelling companion. You never want to encounter one yourself, since they would slice you clean in half like a cosmic lightsabre, but you don’t have to worry much since it isn’t certain that they exist. Moreover, none has ever been seen out there in the universe, and even better, it’s your ex falling through the wormhole: so, no love lost – pun very much intended.

While wormholes — and cosmic strings — have yet to be proven to exist, you could measure their shape by looking at the ripples they leave behind in space-time. Unfortunately, these ripples or gravitational waves could sap black holes’ mass and cause them to eventually collapse in on themselves.

But the hope is that the strung-up wormhole could be stable for just enough time to send that hell of an ex on a hell of a journey.

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